SanZay's humor

Retro Handset for Mobile Phones

2011-09-21T13:12:00.001-04:00

Convenience might be an issue but retro handset hooked to cool smart phone will definitely put smile on people's faces.

The next step? HAM radio handset!

Test mms subj

2011-09-09T17:14:00.001-04:00

Test mms body

2011-09-09T17:13:00.001-04:00

Test message

I can't live without my smart phone

2010-04-16T11:02:00.001-04:00

Smart phone compensate my natural stupidity ;-) Or amplifies it?

once in a while loop

2010-01-22T01:28:00.001-05:00

New programming language construct: once-in-a-while loop.

God loves you!

2010-01-22T01:24:00.002-05:00

Do you really think God loves you? Or just having you? Love and sex are not the same thing ;-)

Facebookkeeping

2010-01-22T01:21:00.001-05:00

Face Bookkeeping
Facebook Keeping
Face Book Keeping

Ready Mix

2009-09-25T10:05:00.003-04:00

Every animal human feeds on a regular basis is supplied with ready mix. Construction industry use ready mixes. But human itself spends enormous efforts to cook each meal individually which is waste of time, gas, cleaning chemicals. Not to mention cost of culinary education and kitchen operation. Will see what it will turn into after apocalypse.

Call to mental asylum Billing Department

2009-07-23T14:14:00.002-04:00

- Netherne Mental Asylum. How can I help you?
- Hi, I am former patient of yours and would like to pay outstanding balance.
- Come back, idiot, you are not completely recovered!

Legal Department

2009-07-23T14:02:00.000-04:00

Illegal Department

Tornado Sauce

2009-06-18T17:13:00.001-04:00

Tomato Sauce

Feel ten years younger in bed today ...

2009-05-16T00:18:00.001-04:00

SPAM advertisement says: "Feel ten years younger in bed today"
Yea right! What if I am 20?

Funny MTA Service Advisory

2009-05-13T11:29:00.001-04:00

Service Inadequacies All the Time @ Citynoise

Pain Killer

2009-05-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

Pain killer kills with the pain.

Filed away gravestone and do not drink from the toilet

2009-05-12T12:11:00.001-04:00

Filed Away @ Citynoise
I'm Parched @ Citynoise

Skype

2009-04-30T08:57:00.001-04:00

Escape from jail.
Skype from jail.

The best way to start your day

2009-04-30T08:43:00.003-04:00

"Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to begin" - the best gesture to start your day with ;-)

Can you dispatch the rain?

2009-04-29T13:45:00.002-04:00

- "... we are alarm monitoring center. When you press the emergency button live person picks up the call and we can dispatch fire, police or EMS to you ..."
- "Can you dispatch the rain?"

Taina tretiey butilki

2009-04-24T14:22:00.001-04:00

Derzhat'sya netu bol'she sil - zeleniy zmej menya skosil.

Vkusnoe ragu

2009-04-24T14:17:00.003-04:00

Uderzhat'sya menogu - ochen' vkusnoe ragu.

Sclerosis

2009-04-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

If you can not recall the name of your mental disease it is most likely a sclerosis.

Sexism of the Spam Email

2009-04-22T15:06:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately majority of you receive unsolicited email messages once in a while. Just notice that authors target message content (name, subject and body) for adult males, leaving female audience aside (feminists, fight for your right to get spam ;-)

Assuming that spamming is more business than the self-expression I would disagree that this gender discrimination is the reflection of spammer's personality. More likely it is the reflection of male vulnerability to any libido-related stimulus. It is not so easy to entice ordinary female with that simple call-to-actions.

However female mind rationality is not absolute either because more sophisticated syndication of news, fashion and gossip easily lures ordinary female to simulate the economy.

Admission of the above statements concludes to the higher mindset complexity of the ordinary female compared to the ordinary male.

Lifeline

2009-04-22T15:04:00.001-04:00

It was so scary that my life line splashed all the way down to the zero.

So zlosti

2009-04-22T15:03:00.000-04:00

prishel popisyat' a so zlosti obosralsya

Fat Ass Whore

2009-04-22T14:50:00.002-04:00

Man, comes to erotic services company and asks for a fat girl. The front desk lady apologizes for the company being temporary understaffed with an overweight females and politely asks if a fit lady can fulfill his desires. Man answers: "No, my wife just dropped weight and I still can't get used to it :-("

Lord of the Darkness

2009-04-22T14:43:00.002-04:00

Why Lord of the Darkness likes darkness?
Because he tries to help the Earth by saving electricity.

Why Lord of the Darkness likes to kill people?
That is his approach to the overpopulation issue.

Kto stuchitsya v dver' ko mne?

2009-04-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

Kto stuchitsya v dver' ko mne s bol'shoi korobkoju v ruke?
Eto on, eto on - UPS pochtalion!

Error Message

2009-04-22T14:12:00.001-04:00

Error messenger is the one who carries error messages.

happy woman

2009-04-10T09:57:00.002-04:00

Happy woman - happy kids.
What about man?
Yes, that is what I said: kids.

Poop smells like medicine

2009-04-09T15:56:00.001-04:00

- Why your poop smells like medicine?
- Better ask why they make medicine that smells like my poop!

Early dirties

2009-02-17T01:46:00.000-05:00

Early thirties

Social Network Embarrassment

2009-01-26T09:51:00.001-05:00

Embarrassment is when your mom is on the Facebook. Now your dad and grandpa are there ;-)

Please add me as a friend (sorry, there is no option to add as an enemy ;-)

Recommend to a friend

2009-01-18T01:45:00.002-05:00

Would you recommend this product/service to a friend? What about the enemy?

I will take lunch

2008-10-30T13:34:00.004-04:00

Proclamations on the political meeting:
"I will take the responsibility blah-blah-blah ..."
"I will take a challenge! Blah-blah-blah ..."
Voice from the crowd: "I will take a lunch" ;-)

Nightmare On Elmo Street

2008-10-10T17:11:00.005-04:00

As parent of both toddler and teenager I am slightly familiar with the terms "Nightmare", "Elmo", "Emo" and "Elm Street". Do you find connections between the legendary horror movie "Nightmare on Elm Street" and the "Elmo" - Muppet on children's television show Sesame Street:

Horror movie title is "Nightmare On Elm Street". The name of the monstrous Muppet is "Elmo" and he lives on the "Sesame Street".

BTW the rest of "Elmo Street" dudes looks no better than shaggy Freddy ;-)

Talking on the phone

2008-09-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

Driving and talking on the phone is dangerous. Walking a toddler and talking on the phone is even more dangerous ;-)

Brief Break

2008-09-08T11:48:00.000-04:00

Make a brief break – tear the briefs apart.

Why we do not have time machine yet

2008-08-15T13:04:00.001-04:00

I am coding the AJAX web framework that I created two years ago. It is so inconvenient that I want to go back in time and kill myself for it (even though it was my first AJAX framework).

In my perception either (A) our environment (god, nature, emulator, whatever...) prevents inventing of time machine for some reason or (B) such invention allows future people to travel back in time and prevent such invention for some nasty reason thus closing the timeline loop.

Considering "The Matrix" theory of emulation our universe exposes no API to reconstruct its past state or perform other versioning operations like branch and merge. No guarantee that our emulator even uses versioning internally.

T_PAAMAYIM_NEKUDOTAYIM can't be more technical

2008-08-01T17:12:00.003-04:00

Parse error: parse error, unexpected
T_PAAMAYIM_NEKUDOTAYIM, expecting ']' in /var/www...List.php on line
34

Can the PHP error message be more technical by any chance?

Are there any more humorous PHP error messages?

Quality of the text rendering

2008-06-11T12:51:00.002-04:00

EN:
Printed text – a crowded page can still be readable.
Handwriting – you can make it readable. Keep practicing.
Wand writing – readable not closer than the average spit-distance.

RU:
Pechatniy tekst – vlazit mnogo i legko chitaetsya.
Rukopisniy tekst – s praktikoy prihodit i udobochitaemost’.
Palkopisniy tekst – chitaetsya ne blizhe chem rasstoyanie plevka.

Human virtue is underutilized

2008-06-10T12:34:00.000-04:00

EN: Despite thousands of years the human race is still weak in utilizing free gifts of nature: solar, wind and water energy. No wonder that human virtue is underutilized to.

RU: Vopreki tisyacheletnemu suschestvovaniuy chelovecheskaya rassa vse escho slaba v ispol’zovanii darov prirodi: solnechnoi, vertovoy i vodnoi energii. Neudivitel’no chto luchshie kachestva samogo cheloveka ispol’zuiutsya ne polnostju.

Was it chair or my back?

2008-05-21T11:58:00.001-04:00

EN: Sometimes I cannot tell what is screeching - my back or my old chair.

RU: Inogda ya nemogu opredelit’ chto imenno u menya skripit – spina ili staroe kreslo.

Did you know: Newton and fertilizers

2008-05-01T10:15:00.000-04:00

EN: Did you know that if at the time of Newton there were modern fertilizers and extra-large apples available, then Isaac Newton would not survive discovery of Law of Universal Gravitation.

RU: Znaete li vi chto esli bi vo vremena Newtona bili dostupni sovremennie udobreniya i ogromnie yabloki, to Isaac Newton ne perezhil bi otkritiya Zakona Vsemirnogo Tiagoteniya.

Why people are talking to themselves?

2008-05-01T09:07:00.001-04:00

EN: People are talking to themselves either to master oral communication skills or in favor of using open and widely acceptable communication protocol (as opposed to proprietary one).

RU: Liudi razgovarivayut sami s soboi libo dlya trenirovki razgovornih navikov libo ot izlishney liubvi k otkritim sovmestimim prototokolam (v protivopolozhnost’ k chastnim zakritim).

Kolobok

2008-04-04T13:42:00.001-04:00

golovozhop hlebobulochniy

Shame

2008-04-01T10:57:00.001-04:00

I did not feel something similar for a long time. Probably since I wet my pants in school for a fist time (the rest was not so frustrating ;-)

Not ready for yesterday

2008-03-05T14:01:00.001-05:00

EN: Someone is ready for tomorrow, but I am not even ready for yesterday.

RU: Kto-to uzhe gotov k zavtra, a ya escho ne gotov ko vchera.

Something wrong with my ears

2008-03-05T10:46:00.001-05:00

EN: Decreased need in earplugs at the office may be the sign of hearing deterioration or developing ignorance skills.

RU: Umen’shenie neobhodimosti nosit’ berushi v rabochem kabinete mozhet bit’ priznakom uhudshayuschegosya sluha ili razvitiya navikov bezrazlichiya.

Being Gay

2008-02-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

EN: Being gay is trendy but painful.
RU: Bit’ golubim modno no boleznenno.

life-or-death

2008-01-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

spells suspiciously similar to lie-or-death

Talking to Yourself

2008-01-10T15:19:00.000-05:00

EN:
Q: Why are you talking to yourself?
A: Because all other folks around are busy.

RU:
Q: Pochemu ti razgovarivaesh s soboy?
A: Potomu chto ostal’nie sobesedniki vokrug zanyati.

Do not conceal beauty and sense of humor

2007-11-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

EN: Some set of people cannot conceal their beauty. Another set of people cannot conceal their sense of humor. Are you belonging to both of those sets?

RU: Nekotorie liudi ne mogut skrit’ svoiu krasotu. Drugie – chustvo yumora. Prinadlezhish li ti k oboim gruppam?

Love of power and Power of love

2007-11-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

EN: When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.
RU: Когда сила любви превзойдет любовь силы в мире наступит покой.

Brilliant Opinion

2007-10-01T12:32:00.000-04:00

EN: Do not let your carbon opinion to become brilliant due to self pressure and age – voice it while it fresh!

RU: Ne dai svoey uglerodnoi misli stat' briliantovoy v rezul'tate stareniya pod davleniem - virazi ee poka svezha!

"Spin" the Religious Movie

2007-09-21T09:53:00.000-04:00

First noted in "videos" section of www.ijulian.blogspot.com

Miss Perception of Mystery

2007-09-21T08:38:00.000-04:00

Miss Perception
Misperception

Mystery
Mister Y

Oral Hygiene

2007-09-20T11:30:00.000-04:00

EN: Is that how you making oral sex or you just brushing your teeth here? Let me show you how to do it!
RU: Eto vi tak v rot ebetes’ ili zubi chistite? Daite ya vam pokazhu kak eto nado delat’!

Being yourself

2007-09-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

EN: Be yourself even if it is not so profitable (in terms of money or popularity) because joy of being yourself is priceless.

RU: Bud' soboi dazhe esli eto ne tak vigodno ili populyarno potomu, chto radost' neposredstvennosti – bestsenna.

MEMBRANA | В чудовищной коммуналке было нормально 50 тыся

2007-09-16T00:36:00.000-04:00

MEMBRANA | В чудовищной коммуналке было нормально 50 тысячам китайцев

Stork logistics

2007-08-07T13:38:00.000-04:00

EN: Certain babies are delivered over the air by storks. Other babies are delivered with less expensive stork ground service. Babies that are found in the cabbage were purchased in smart-starter grow-it-yourself kits by gardeners. If you are the computer geek or one’s misfortunate spouse you can try to spoof you baby by telling that she was downloaded from the Internet and printed in color. Most likely, geek babies not going to believe you. They already know that they were incarnated after living couple of dozens of lives and placed in custom-made genetically engineered human bodies to live another live on this planet.

RU: Nekotorie deti dostavlyayutsya aistom po vozduhu. Drugie deti postavlyayutsya bole deshevoy nazemnoi pochtoi. Roditeli-sadovodi virashivayut svoih detey na gryadkah v kapuste. Odnako esli vi “komputernij geniy” ili neschastniy suprug onogo to mozhete poprobovat’ nadurit’ vashe chado chto ego skachali s Interneta i raspechatali na tsvetnom printere. Veroyatnee vsego takie detishki vam ne poveryat potomu kak oni znayut chto oni bili inkarnirovani posle desyatka-drugogo zhizney v geneticheski-sproektirovannoe po spetszakazu telo chtobi prozhit ocherednuyu zhizn’ na etoi planete.

Airway

2007-08-02T15:28:00.000-04:00

Their way - airway.

my native language is PHP

2007-08-01T11:27:00.000-04:00

P.S. Sorry for my dreadful English, my native language is PHP.

Originally from http://forum.mysqlperformanceblog.com/s/m/982/#msg_num_1

Make her jealous

2007-06-05T10:56:00.000-04:00

EN: Sometimes I feel jealous I am not a woman. Sometimes I make woman feel jealous about she is not a men.

RU: Inogda ya sam sozhaleyu chto ya ne zhenschina. Inogda ya dayu zhenschine sozhalet’ chto ona ne muzhchina.

Do not call my lunch, please

2007-06-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

RU:
Kotik, luchshe na mobilnik. Lunch v holodil'nike i ya mogu ego ne uslishat' ;-)
> OK YA TEBE PEREZVONU NA LUNCH

EN:
Call me at my cell phone please. The lunch is in a fridge and I may miss you call.
> Honey, I will call you at lunch.

Happiness

2007-06-01T23:17:00.000-04:00

Happiness
Happin-ass
Hopping ass

Coincidental similarity?

Knowledge is torture

2007-04-13T09:30:00.000-04:00

EN: Sometimes knowledge gives me peace of mind, but sometimes it gives me the torture.
RU: Inogda znanie prinosit mne spokoistvie a inogda muchenie.

Death will occure on-time

2007-03-27T14:01:00.000-04:00

EN: Events in my life are occuring a bit earlier than I am ready for them. Let us hope that at least my death will occure on-time ;-)

RU: Sobitiya v moey zhizni proishodyat neskol'ko ran'she chem ya k nim gotv. Budem nadeyatsya chto moya smert' proizioidet vovremya.

Fell off the window

2007-03-27T11:26:00.000-04:00

RU: Esli chelovek po oshibke vipal iz okna, to nenado za nim eto okno zakrivat. A mozhet vernetsya.

EN: If individual accidentially fell off the window - leave it open. Mey be he or she will return back.

998 ways of not doing this job

2007-03-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

EN: I know at least two sure ways of doing this particular job and another 998 ways of not doing it.

RU: Ya znayu kak minimum dva vernih sposoba vipolnit’ etu rabotu i esche 998 sposobov ee ne delat’.

Otrigunchik

2007-03-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

Poprigunchik - otrigunchik

Baby is growing

2007-03-02T18:24:00.000-05:00

EN:
- How is baby? How is she growing?
- She is growing good. Does not fit the place she came from anymore.

RU:
- Kak rebenochek? Podrastaet?
- Bol'shaya uzhe. Obratno ne vlazit.

Poseyala butilku

2007-02-28T22:39:00.001-05:00

Poseyala butilku - pozhnesh ... dve

Painless Steel

2007-02-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

EN: Besides the stainless steel there is the painless steel.
RU: Помимо нержавеющей стали в природе встречается также неболеющая сталь.

The most popular baby name

2007-02-27T15:01:00.000-05:00

... among Internet marketing professionals is ... Guess!
(Edward - Ad Word)

HihiHead

2007-02-23T18:38:00.000-05:00

Besides the kukuhead type of people there are hihihead type of people.

Vesna

2007-02-17T13:30:00.000-05:00

Vesna pokazhet kto gde sral.
Vesna pokazhet kto s kem spal ;-)

Days of Week

2007-02-14T08:37:00.000-05:00

Monday	Moonday
Tuesday	Duesday
Wednesday	Madnessday
Thursday	Truthday
Friday	Frieday
Saturday	Sadurday
Sunday	Sanday
?	Wrongday

Lungs are having a snowfall

2007-02-14T08:17:00.000-05:00

EN: The heart is so cold that lungs are having a snowfall.
RU: Настолько ледяное сердце, что в легких снег идет.

Hurricane "Katrina"

2007-02-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

EN: Hurricane "Katrina"? I thought those are pictures from our recent party.
RU: Uragan "Katrina"? A ya dumal eto fotki s nashey nedavney vecherinki.

"Red eye" decease

2007-02-13T10:55:00.000-05:00

There is non-contagious "Red Eye" decease on photos besides the contagious "Pink Eye" decease.

I do not discriminate people

2007-02-12T16:16:00.000-05:00

EN: I do not discriminate people. I hate everyone equally ;-)
RU: Ya ne proyavlyayu pristrastiya k liudyam. Ya ih vseh nenavizhu odinakovo ;-)

Feeling or believing

2007-02-11T17:04:00.000-05:00

EN: According to best practices baby considered content after 3 Oz of liquid food. Easy to say! How would you explain it to crying baby?
RU: Soglasno rekomendatsiyam po uhodu za det'mi rebenok schitaetsya sitim posle upotrebleniya 84 ml zhidkosti. Horosho skazat'! Kak bi eto obiyasnit' plachuschemu rebenku?

Doktorskaya metrokarta

2007-02-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

Vi kogda nibud' ran'she slishali virazhenie "doktorskaya metrokarta"? Pro doktorskuiu kolbasu slishal, a pro metrokartu net. Okazivaetsya eto proezdnoi bilet kotoriy dayut pensioneram v meditsinskom ofise dlya besplatnogo proezda.

Monsterpiece

2007-02-09T19:32:00.000-05:00

It is not a Masterpiece it is a Monsterpiece.

Hard attack

2007-02-07T20:58:00.000-05:00

Do you want me to have a hard attack?

Merzkiy

2007-02-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

ProgramMerzkij instrument

Fireworks

2007-02-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

EN: Hey pilot, watch out! It is not a firework it is an air defence.
RU: Ey pilot, beregis'! Eto ne saliut, eto PVO.

I like to make you pee

2007-02-06T14:21:00.000-05:00

EN: ... bad guess. I am not cook or bartender. I am not even pervert. I am the clown ;-)

RU ... vot I ne ugadali. Ya ne povar i ne barmen. Ya dazhe ne izvraschenets. Ya kloun ;-)

Missing post stamp

2007-02-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

EN: Once I saw the diaper that was folded into envelop-alike structure so neatly, so it was missing only post stamp and mailing label.
RU: Odnazhdi ya uvidel podguznik slozhenniy konvertikom nastol'ko akkuratno, chto emu ne hvatalo tol'ko marki i adresa.

Geometry figures

2007-02-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

EN: The list of geometric figures added few more: Haemorrhoid and Paranoid.
RU: Spisok geometricheskih figur popolnilsya dvumya novimi figurami: Gemoroid i Paranoid.

Skunets

2007-02-02T07:37:00.000-05:00

Skunets eto podvodnaya voniuchka. Smes' tuntsa so skunsom.

Obayashka

2007-02-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

Babayozhka - obayashka.

Breastfeeding

2007-02-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

EN: There are three possibilities to feed one baby with two breasts: either baby's mouth extends from ear to ear, or breasts are hanging low or baby just fed one breast at a time as any normal mom will do.
RU: Suschestvuet tri sposoba kormit' odnogo rebenka dvumya grudyami: libo u rebenka rot do ushey, hot' zavyazochki prishey, libo grudi visyat dostatochno nizko, libo rebenku dayut grudi po ocheredi.

Napil'niki

2007-02-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

> > Меняю. Сговнилась фирма...
> V denezhnom plane ili v psihologicheskom?
Психологическом. Глупые прожекты. Чуствуешь себя напильником. Одним из многих напильников... Взаимозаменяемых напильников...

Folding@Home

2007-02-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

EN: It was so long ago, probably at the time gods were simulating protein folding.
RU: Eto bilo tak davno, esche kogda bogi svertku proteina na emulyatore gonyali.

Nesravnennaya zhena

2007-02-01T08:53:00.000-05:00

> > Как жена?
> Zhena kak zhena. Sravnit' ne schem. Nesravnennaya u menya zhena ;-)

Hot' na rabote otdihaesh po chelovecheski

2007-01-30T13:10:00.000-05:00

> Как дела?
Za$#@li ;-) Hot' na rabote otdihaesh po chelovecheski.

Youngsters we are

2007-01-20T17:45:00.000-05:00

EN: Youngsters we are (as of 1960)

RU: Мы – молодежь (по состоянию на 1960 год)

Candy Floss Bee

2007-01-20T00:55:00.001-05:00

EN: What will be the result of breeding spider with honeybee? The candy floss producing creature.

RU: Что будет если скрестить пчелу с пауком? Животное производящее сахарную вату.

Pizdets

2007-01-18T12:52:00.000-05:00

Сцены передающие сущность этого слова: http://humor-fm.narod.ru/prirol/psd/index_psd.htm